The Null Device

2001/8/23

The Onion: Family of Five Found Alive in Suburbs:

Upon discovery, the family was rushed back to civilization. Attempts to reassimilate the Holsapples into metropolitan living with a trip to the Art Institute of Chicago and dinner at a nice Peruvian restaurant were met with resistance. "When we got to the museum, the family became quite agitated," psychologist Dr. Allan Green said. "Jay kept calling all the modern art 'weird' and Meredith said, 'If we wanted to look at art, we could just go to Deck The Walls at the mall.'"
Upon arriving in Buffalo Grove in 1993, the Holsapples befriended the locals, called "suburbanites," and soon adopted their ways entirely, from the mode of dress to the food they eat. Meredith Holsapple described in great detail the suburban settlements called "sub-divisions" where great emphasis is placed on maintaining lawns, watching televised sports, birthing children, listening to Top 40 music, and collecting stuffed animals.

alienation conformism culture humour satire society suburbia the onion 0

Seen in the most recent Synaesthesia newsletter:

MIKI SAWAGUCHI Big Boobs CD $40
"Interesting and wildly unpredictable debut from this porn starlet turned chanteuse. Imagine big band, salsa, bossa nova, beach parties, and noise, all in one compelling package. Plus lots of softcore cheesecake in the photo booklet. "
To be honest this is amongst the single worst cds i have ever heard - as wretched as this wide world of music gets. unavoidably awful and a total waste of your money. if it's the pix you want - get the internet.

Well, you've got to admire their honesty...

(And no, I'm probably not going to buy it. I don't currently have the extravagant income to justify buying random bulldada objects, at least not ones costing $40. Though I did buy a CD of Commodore 64 game music last time I was there, mostly for the interestingly historical booklet. (The music itself can probably be found in chiptune format on the Internet, and would probably fit comfortably on a floppy.))

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You know that food pyramid thingy, compiled by the US Government, which says that you should eat a lot of red meat, dairy products and grains to stay healthy? Well, it now turns out that it overemphasises products of key agricultural industries, such as dairy and beef. Meanwhile, a version compiled by a Harvard professor, without special interests in mind, deemphasises grains and calcium and lumps red meat with such no-nos as sweets and butter. The US Government putting corporate interests before its citizens' health? Say it's not so! (via Rebecca's Pocket)

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Oops! Zimbabwean freedom fighters seize white-minority-owned farms, and in the process of doing so, liberate penned-up animals and unleash the foot and mouth virus. When the famine starts, I wonder whether the government will coerce some kulaks farmers into confessing on TV to deliberately sabotaging Zimbabwe's agricultural industry out of colonial spite/on orders from the Queen.

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