Under new guidelines from the Professional Association of Teachers, bright school pupils should no longer be called "clever", to save them the stigma attached to the tag; cleverness, you see, is seen as deeply uncool by school children, and any schoolchild unfortunate enough to be recognised as such would soon end up ridiculed and ostracised, if not used for knife practice, by their peers.

The association has recommended the use of the word "successful" instead; after all, success is associated with professional footballers, bling-toting rappers, asset-stripping corporate raiders and other socially acceptable role models, and thus has positive connotations.

Of course, if "successful" is used in this fashion, it will become synonymous with being a despised teacher's pet, and end up being used sarcastically as a term of abuse (much in the way that "brave" and "special" have become synonymous with physical or mental handicaps). Then perhaps it'll be time to adopt a new term of praise for educational achievement; possibly "pimpin'", or "well weapon"?

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