psychoceramics: [Pigdog] Fw: THIS is TRUE for 27 April

[Mike Forester <forester @ netcom.com>]

Forwarded message:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
> From: "Howard M. Weiner" <h--@w--.net>
> Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 06:57:53 -0700
> Subject: Fw: THIS is TRUE for 27 April

 THIS is TRUE for 27 April 1997        Copyright 1997 by Randy Cassingham
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------
[snip]

 GET A GRIP: In the wake of the Heaven's Gate cult's mass suicide,
    London's Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson insurance brokerage has
    decided to stop issuing or renewing coverage against "abduction,
    impregnation or attack by aliens". The cult was one of about 4,000
    policyholders worldwide. GRIP will, however, continue to offer other
    unusual insurance policies. "We insure virgins against immaculate
    conception, prostitutes against loss of earnings from headache and
    backache, conversion to a werewolf or vampire, death or serious
    injury through paranormal activity, and unfaithful husbands against
    Bobbitting," a spokesman said. But even if the Heaven's Gate
    followers made it to the supposed alien spaceship they were aiming
    for, their $1 million-per-member insurance policy will not pay, the
    spokesman says. "They would have to prove that they were abducted."
    (AP) ...Back to kindergarten Rule #1: never take rides from
    strangers.
 
 GROUP ACTIVITY: A teacher who left a group of nine fourth graders
    unsupervised in a "time out room" has been suspended after the kids
    locked the door and had sex. The school's principal is also under
    fire since he downplayed the incident by saying the kids all
    "consented" to the activity. "Consensual? For 9-year-olds? I mean,
    something is not right here," complained U.S. Senator Trent Lott.
    (AP) ...He's just mad since they didn't teach "set theory" when he
    was in the fourth grade.
 
 GROUP ACTIVITY II: Five third grade students in Eaton, Colo., have been
    suspended after they were caught smoking pot at school during
    recess."We're kind of fumbling our way through this right now to try
    to figure out how to handle this," says Eaton police chief Rod
    Hawkins. They won't be prosecuted for any crime because of their age.
    The joint they were smoking was rolled using homework papers. (AP)
    ...Just doobing our assignments, teacher.
 
 DUCKED THE COPS: A man walked into a doughnut shop in Toronto holding a
    Canadian goose, telling those inside, "Give me some money or I'll
    kill the goose." After deciding he was serious, a customer went to a
    bank machine and got some cash. The man let the goose go after
    getting the money. Toronto police are looking for the birdnapper, but
    aren't sure what they will charge him with. Extortion? Cruelty to
    animals? "Who knows? There might be something under the Migratory
    Birds Act that we could use," a police spokesman said. (Reuter) ...In
    other words, one way or another, his goose will be cooked.
 
[snip]
-----------------------------------------------------
 -- End of forwarded message
-----------------------------------------------------
--
-Mike Forester
     f--@n--.com / CIS: 71301,1435
--------------------------------------------------------------------
==>  Some days it's not worth chewing through the restraints.