psychoceramics: (Fwd) [news.admin.net-abuse.misc] First Annual NANA Awards Ceremony [official transcript]

[bruce @ phix.com (Bruce Baugh)]

Those of you who know who the big players are in net.kookdom will like this. 
A lot.

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Subject: First Annual NANA Awards Ceremony [official transcript] 
From: bs904 @ FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Andrew Nellis)
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.misc

[ Official transcript of the First Annual NANA Awards Ceremony ]

Chris Lewis: Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and John Grubor.  I'd
             like to welcome you to the First Annual NANA Awards
             Ceremony.  I'll be your host for -

Ricardo Gonzales:  ...Ceremony.  I'll be your host for this evening, and -

CL: Excuse me sir, I'll have to ask you to keep your voice down.

RG: Excuse me sir, I'll have to ask you to keep your voice down.  As I
    was saying, I'll be your host -

CL: No you aren't.

RG: Yes I am.  Please be quiet, sir.

CL: [pause] Yes, anyway, we have an interesting evening ahead of -

John Grubor: - kick your ass, Lewis!

RG: ...evening ahead of us.

CL: ...us.  But first I'd like to thank the NANA Sentient Beings'
    Auxiliary for the lovely dinner.  Let's give them a round of
    applause, ladies and gentlemen and John Grubor.

[applause]

CL: For the presentation of the first award of the evening, I'd like
    you all to welcome the inimitable Stan Kalisch III.

RG: ...welcome the inimitable Stephen Boursy.

[applause]

Stan Kalisch III: Thank you, thank y- er, give me that microphone.

Stephen Boursy: Look!  He's trying to pull my plug!  No reputable Master
                of Ceremonies accepts -

SK: Give me-

SB: Help!  Help!  I'm being opressed!

SK: ...that microphone! Ugh!

SB: Come see the violence inherent in the system!

[delay]

SK: Sorry about that, folks.  Okay, the first award of the evening is
    the "Most Annoying Usenet Poster or Group of Posters."  The nominees
    are-

Someone: Meow.

SK: Right!  Who said that?

John "Rear Admiral" McKeon: Not me.

Roger Williams: Clealy, sir.

Raoul Xemblinosky: Nor I.

JM: Clealy.

RX: Clealy.

Bill Palmer: ...bunch of typo-pouncing Tolstoys!  And furthermore, [drone]
             libel! [pontificate] greasy shitass [sputter] libel! [verbiage]
             non-writing posters [whine] libel!

SK: [long pause] Ahem.  As I was saying, the nominees -

Someone: Meow.

SK: Okay, that does it!  You're meat, McKeon!

Andrew Gierth: Look out, he's got a gun!

[confusion, long delay]

CL: Well, I'm sure Stan will be back later to finish presenting the first 
    award.  In the mean time -

JG: ...kick your ass, Lewis!

RG: ...the mean time -
    
SB: ...being oppressed!

Someone: Meow.

CL: ...we'll move along to the next award.  Here to present "Silliest
    Posting Name" is our very own Fluffy.  Take it away Fluffy!

RG: ...very own Archimedes Plutonium.  Take it away Archimedes Plutonium!

Fluffy: Get away from me Unpleasant and Illiterate Kook, or Fluffy will use 
        your Head for a Scratching Post.

Archimedes Plutonium: Grumble.

SB: Censorship!  Look, he's being censored! [scratch] Ouch.

Fluffy-X: I am Kibo.  Heh heh heh. [scratch] Ouch.

Joshua Kramer: All this nonsense is going to stop right now, or I'm going
               to blow up the whole building.

F: Joshua, Fluffy really thinks that it is not Necessary to -

JK: I mean it!  Everyone just be sane and rational or you're all going to
    be vapour!  [scratch] Ouch.

Someone: Meow.

SK: I heard that!  You're roadkill, McKeon!

[gunfire, confusion, long delay]

CL: Well.  I guess when they manage to pry Fluffy's claws out of Stan's
    head we'll go back to that award.  In the mean time -

JG: ...kick your ass, Lewis!

CL: ...I've been handed an announcement.  Yes, this is from Jerry Sexzilla.
    He says he's got his twelve year old daughter in the men's washroom and
    for the low, low price of only twenty dollars, he'll let you... [pause]
    Um, moving right along -

SB: Plug puller!

CL: ...I think it's time for the swimsuit competition.  We have two lovely
    and talented competitors.  In the little yellow bikini, we have Lizz
    Braver -

[cheers, whistles]

CL: ...and beside her, with the hairy shoulders, is... Mary Grubert?

[dead silence]

Mary Grubert: ...kick your ass, Lewis!

CL: [pause] I think we can dispense with the swimsuit competition.  

SB: Censor!  Plug puller!

CL: Next up, Sanford Wallace has kindly offered to entertain us with his
    rendition of "Me and My Shadow."  Let's have a warm welcome for Sanford
    Wallace!

RG: ...warm welcome for Sanford Wallace!

[jeers, hisses, boos]

Sanford Wallace: Me and my spaaaaaaammers,
                 Abusing mail and your newsgrouuuuups...!

[louder boos, splattering fruit, long delay]

CL: Sorry about that Sanford.  Better luck next year.  Okay, now the moment
    you've all been -

[silence, delay]

CL: I apologize for that.  My microphone seemed to stop -

[silence, longer delay]

CL: ...don't care if it doesn't have the required keyword, Dick, you can't
    go turning my mic off.  Oh.  Okay, everything seems to be working again.

JG/MG: ...kick your ass, Lewis!

CL: Right.  Now the moment you've all been waiting for!

RG: ...been waiting for!

CL: In the category of Top Cabal (There Is No Cabal) Despammer, the
    nominees are -

RG: In the category of Top Net.Kook (We Are Not Kooks) Sophist, the
    nominees are -

CL: Lizz and Robert Braver.  Rick "Spysander Looner" Buchanan.  Howard 
    Knight.  And Chris "Una Confibula" Lewis (Hey, that's me!).

JG/MG: ...kick your ass, Lewis!

RG: John "I invented fire" Grubor.  Stephen "Speedbump" Boursy.  Plutonium
    Archimedes.  Bob Allisat.  IMP.  And Ricardo Hector Gonzales (Hey,
    that's me!).

CL: And the winner is -

RG: And the winner is -

[drum roll]

Someone: Meow.

JK: I warned you!  I warned you all!

[large explosion]

[ End of Official Transcript]




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Bruce Baugh <*> http://www.phix.com/~bruce/
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