psychoceramics: How To Be a Successful Evil Overlord

["T.L. Kelly" <room101 @ teleport.com>]

[From the Area51 mailing list -- T.L. Kelly]

From: campbell @ ufomind.com (Glenn Campbell, Las Vegas)
Subject: Advice for Evil Overlords [humor]
Date: Sat, 1 Nov 1997 16:55:25 -0800

Via: Don Ecker <DONFEII--@a--.com> (Original author unknown)


                    GOOD ADVICE FOR EVIL OVERLORDS


Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. 

However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. 

Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1.  My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
    visors, not face-concealing ones.

2.  My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3.  My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
    kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4.  Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5.  The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
    the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
    Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
    applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6.  I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them.

7.  When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
    ``Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply
    will be, ``No, just sensible.''

8.  When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you
    kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll
    say, ``No.'' and shoot him.

9.  After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
    immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
    three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be
    carried out.

10.  I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
     necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
     labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do
     Not Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid
     enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
     clearly be labelled as such.

11.  I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
     destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12.  I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
     hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13.  I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
     to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
     weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14.  I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident
     I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe
     it.

15.  I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
     "mercy''; I simply choose not show them any.

16.  One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
     flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
     implementation.

17.  All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds
     of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of
     the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
     accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
     aforementioned disposal.

18.  My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
     members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear
     military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19.  The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
     other form of last request.

20.  I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
     that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
     activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting
     his plan into operation.

21.  I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
     scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is
     sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo
     the damage he's caused.

22.  I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's
     just one thing I want to know.''

23.  When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
     their advice.

24.  I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
     attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a
     fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

25.  I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
     evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd
     betray her own father.

26.  Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
     maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss
     unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
     adjust to accordingly.

27.  I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
     uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap
     knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman
     footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually
     defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

28.  No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,
     I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29.  I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
     troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
     neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
     energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a
     handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

30.  I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
     weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job,
     at least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM
     INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

31.  No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
     sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one
     small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32.  If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
     fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will
     graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of
     fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will
     easily be able to dispatch him.

33.  No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
     there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate
     to kill me.  Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a
     prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

34.  I will never build only one of anything important. For the same
     reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at
     all times.

35.  If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will
     immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct
     the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break
     into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

36.  My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
     escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

37.  Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever,
     I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy
     enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no
     good structural reason.

38.  I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
     into confusion.

39.  All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
     cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death.
     My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have
     no source of comic relief.

40.  All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
     surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
     reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

41.  Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously
     resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life
     through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

42.  I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
     news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are
     hard to come by.

43.  I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
     and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY  climb some
     monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to
     know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc.
     That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever
     comes along.

44.  I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
     wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
     dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather
     will be reserved for formal occasions.

45.  I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
     getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

46.  I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

47.  I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
     diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
     Generation X.

48.  I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
     block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners,
     I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
     handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

49.  If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
     a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
     lieutenant.

50.  If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
     anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately,
     instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of
     vengance towards me in my old age.

51.  If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
     at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
     opposite number among his army.

52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
    superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as  possible
    instead of keeping it in reserve.

53.  Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
     devices.

54.  I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or
     being executed.

55.  When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
     monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable
     of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

56.  I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
     beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
     good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her
     in on my plans.

57.  I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
     work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even
     the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

58.  I will not rely entirely upon ``totally reliable'' spells that can
     be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.

59.  I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
     for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up
     I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say ``And here is the
     price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random
     underling.

60.  If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can
     one man possibly do?'' I will reply ``This.'' and kill the
     advisor.

61.  If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
     will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting
     for him to mature.

62.  I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
     with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it
     will not immediately come after me for revenge.

63.  If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
     me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will
     send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in
     the local paper.

64.  My main computers will have their own special operating system
     that will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and
     Macintosh powerbooks.

65.  I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
     elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,
     they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

66.  If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
     conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
     transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

67.  I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
     examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and
     abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

68.  If the beautiful princess that I captures says ``I'll never marry
     you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!'' I will say ``Oh well,'' and
     kill her.

69.  I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
     double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

70.  The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
     in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on
     important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will
     first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
     attract less attention.

71.  Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
     trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet
     access.

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