The Null Device


From the most recent Onion:

NEW YORK-- An English as a Second Language textbook focuses predominantly on food-preparation vocabulary, night-school student Eduardo Reyes reported Monday. "I must admit, I would like to learn how to say more than, 'I have diced the onions,' and, 'Did he want scrambled or over-easy?'" said a disconsolate Reyes, speaking through a translator, following his first lesson. "I had hoped to learn words for the different parts of the body so I can pursue my dream of becoming a doctor. I have instead learned much about the grilling of chickens."

exploitation humour language satire the onion 0

So I come in to work today and my PC is still not back. They said they would replace the motherboard by last Wednesday, but they're still waiting for the incompetents who have the maintenance contract (which they're apparently in breach of) to get around to it; and it just so happens that there are no spare machines. Grr.

(Unless, of course, it has been seized by intellectual-property police, who are now poring over my MP3 cache.)


The street finds its own use for things: While baseball has not attained global popularity, baseball bats have, and are selling well across the globe; mainly because they're good for beating people up with:

Athletic Stores in central Belfast, Northern Ireland, sells 10 to 15 bats a week. "Funnily enough, I don't know of any baseball teams" in the area, said John Miskimmon, a salesman at the store. He guessed that half the bat buyers wouldn't know a home run from a foul ball.