The Null Device

Barbarism begins at school: A marvellous compedium of playground lore, the pranks, minor rebellions, mad teachers, scatologies, sadisms, and the odd moment of comedic brilliance, of generations of schoolchildren. (via Meg)

If curiosity beat your common sense, and you showed an interest in finding out where the blue goldfish was, your head would be flushed in the toilet. However, at least you now know where the blue goldfish is, and you can teach other people. (Jimbo)
Walking cautiously home from school behind some big fat year nines, I overheard one say to the other, "You're a cuntstack!". I gaped, wide-eyed, thinking I had stumbled across an ingenious new insult with hilarious origins. I later found out the bloke was called Kevin Stack, and his mate was therefore merely calling him a cunt, but this didn't stop me using 'cuntstack' at every possible opportunity. (Anna)
"don't go near him, he's psycho": A self-fulfilling prophecy, when repeated often enough. The victim will be so starved of human interaction that they will, eventually, become psycho. (Stephen Barker)
By quietly repeating the words of the teacher a moment after they say them it is possible to have the poor bugger sitting next to you become so disorientated they start to write down what you are saying, and not the teacher. Once they are hooked, to their surprise they suddenly find they are not writing about the properties of oxygen, but a blue monkey with a huge penis. (Keith Arnold)

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