Goths vs. Chavs. No, it's not an upcoming Working Title/Channel Four updating of
Quadrophenia (substituting Whitby for Brighton and those daft-looking miniature motorcycles for Lambrettas), or the latest edgy game from Rockstar, but the reality being fought out in Britain's town centres every night. And now, in war games in the forests, organised by the local street wardens:
"We've had large groups of chavs and goths on Cathedral Square on a Saturday. They've not really being doing any harm but the sheer number of them intimidates people," he said. "It's like mods and rockers - not that these guys start fighting, it's just a bit of a slap here and there."
The few goths who still walk across the square by the city's Norman cathedral are not so sure. War games in the countryside? "That's going to be murder," said Kenny, 19, resplendent in his daywear of black boots, black jeans, black shirt and long black leather jacket (it's sunny and 25C). "The chavs will take knives."
Kitted out in black body armour and chomping on a large cigar, Steve Mayes, the street warden supervisor, looks more than a match for any mouthy chav or stoned goth. But he's found both groups showing scant regard for him, each other or society, and hopes that skirmishes in the countryside will instil respect.
Though isn't "respect" (in the hip-hop/thug-life sense) a cornerstone of the Chav subculture, i.e., it being a matter of honour to set straight by means of physical force anyone who doesn't show one respect, or else forfeit the right to call oneself a man?
He points out a chav, swaggering through the square on the toes of his immaculate white trainers. "Most goths are so laid-back they are on their arse," he said. "If you go up to a chav and look at him wrong, he'll kick your head in."
And since when do goths smoke pot as a rule? I thought that cloves and absinthe were their thing. Come to think of it, has anyone seen a goth running around the woods with a pellet gun? (Substitute "Norwegian black metaller" for "goth" and "big fück-off mediæval axe" for "pellet gun" and you might have something, though.)
But Mr Mayes admits there is one small problem: most of the goths were so laid-back they couldn't get up in time for the war games. Six cried off yesterday morning. "We've got more chavs than we have goths because they couldn't get out of bed," he said. "They've probably been smoking too much pot."