psychoceramics: fan mail from some flounder

["Wright, Bruce" <32000BKT @ macnet.cpa.state.tx.us>]

forwarded to me by a correspondent at Fortean Times magazine, which as you
might guess gets intertesting mail at times.  Bruce W.
_______________________________________________________________________________
_
This arrived in the FT offices today. It was addressed to our publisher, Mike
Dash; the woman who sent it is apparently entirely genuine. We tried her
phone number and indeed, the answering machine message starts with "Hello,
you've reached Bluetulip Rose Read." Mike Read is a DJ in his early fifties
who's worked on various light pop programmes over the years. It was, for
example, Mike Read who first denounced Frankie Goes To Hollywood's "Relax" as
evil. We're talking someone who makes Wayne Newton look like KISS. The letter
is reproduced *exactly* as it appeared originally:

                               MRS BLUETULIP ROSE READ
                                 20 GADDESDEN GROVE
                                 PANSHANGER
                                WELWYN GARDEN CITY
                                    HERTS
01707 392094                            AL7 2LW





DEAR MIKE DASH
A WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS I HAD A STRANGE DREAM
I DREAMT THAT DISC JOCKY MIKE READ WAS MAKING LOVE TO ME
I EVEN FELT HIS PREASENCE  I EVEN FELT HIM MAKE LOVE TO ME
THE ACTIONS WERE SO REAL BEFORE I ACTUALY WOKE UP I STILL FELT
HIM BUT WHEN I FULLY WOKE UP I RELISED IT WAS ONLY A DREAM
BUT EVEN THE STRANGEST THING HAPPENED WHEN I WOKE UP MY
CLITROUS WAS THROBBING LIKE CRAZY FOR HALF AN HOUR
NO ON HAS EVER HAD THTEFFECT ON ME BEFORE MIKE READ IS THE
ONLY MAN TO DO THAT I CANNOT EVEN LISTEN TO HIS VOICE ON CLASSIC
FM BECAUSE MY SEXUAL ORGANS GO COMPLEATLY HAYWIRE EVEN HIS
SEXY LEGS DO THE SAME.
WHEN MIKE LEFT CAPIRAL RADIO I HAD A NERVOUS BREAK DOWN
I HAD SERVEAR CRYING DEPRESSION AND I SUFFER WITH SERVEAR PANIC
ATTIKS SO MUCH SO THAT I AM ON DISOPAN TABLETS
I AM STILL NO BETTER I AM IN A RIGHT STATE OVER THAT GUY
XXXXX (crossing out) I AM DIVORCED AND CHANGED MY HOLE NAME
MY NAME IS BLUETULIP ROSE READ  I DONE IT BY DEED POLL
I AM GOING TO ENCLOSE YOU A COPY AND MY NICK NAME IS MRS READ
I HAVE TWO FRIENDS IN LONDON WITH NICKNAMES TO
I CANNOT REVEAL THEIR NICKNAMES I DEARLY LOVE MIKE READ I HAVE
XX (crossing out) LOVED HIM FROM RAIDO ONE DAYS AND POP QUIZ AND MALUTI
COLOURED SWAP SHOP SO YOU COUD ASY I GREW UP WITH HIM
IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO ME I CAN COME TO SEE YOU ON A
THURSDAY OR FRIDAY

-