psychoceramics: Hell House Trip Report

[Bruce Ediger <bediger @ csn.net>]

Hell House Trip Report

On Tuesday, October 28th, 1997, I went to one of the Hell House
franchises with my friend David. It's at 72nd and Wadsworth, in Arvada,
Colorado.  This one is a bit closer to being the "real" Hell House,
since Hell House Founder Keenan Roberts is now at the Abundant Life
Christian Center in Arvada.  I heard a talk radio interview with him
on a local AM station.  He's an understudy for the part of Satan.

Anyway, we stood in line for about 2 hours, from 8:30pm to 10:30pm. I'm
sure we annoyed those in line around us, since we had quite a few nips
from a half-pint of Old Granddad in the parking lot. Unfortunately, by
the time we started the tour, we were dead sober. The tour of Hell
House cost $6.50 US apiece. The tour ran about 30 minutes.

It was a lot like being in a real, live Jack T. Chick pamphlet. We went
from AIDS victim funeral, to Abortion Clinic, to Satanic Ritual, to
Drunk Driver, to Date Rape, to Hell, where Satan (who has a recognizable
hispanic accent) berated us. We were in Hell, then an angel rescued us,
and led our group to Heaven, which looked a lot like the Proselytizing
Room you end up in when you tour the Mormon Tabernacle in Salt Lake
City.  It was all gauzy, cottony and smarmy.

Jesus is blonde, by the way. My friend David observed that the Romans
were quite lazy, only driving the nails into Jesus' palms. He has
stigmata on his palms, but not on the backs of his hands. One thing I
learned: "Hell" smells like Catfish Dough Bait. Pee-you!

The resemblance to a Jack Chick pamphlet didn't stop there: after
Heaven, we ended up in a small conference room with a little card to
sign, asking if we'd gotten saved that night or not. All of the various
sinners were dark haired, and the angels and Jesus were blonde. I
guess the pregnant women getting the abortion, and the raped date were
also blondish. Sure, they were sinners, but one of them was duped by
the Satanic Abortionist, and the raped date did put up a spirited, albeit
ineffective, resistance to the Star Quarterback. The actors exhibited
another Chick-like characteristic: they seemed to be having way too much
fun sinning.

There were 2 "plants" in our tour group. One high-school aged girl
in the front row in the "Satanic Ritual" room got pulled out of the
tour group, strapped to a pentagram-inscribed table and sacrificed,
complete with death rattle. In "Heaven", this kid in the front row
was so impressed with Blonde Jesus that he was accepted into "Heaven"
through several thicknesses of cheesecloth. After praying The Sinner's
Prayer, the kid's name was written into the Book of Life.

The whole thing was pretty obviously targeted at 13 to 17-year old kids.
The issue of abortion got presented from a "victim's" viewpoint, and
that victim was about 18. The Date Rape scene was similarly from a high
school viewpoint.  The moral of the AIDS funeral was that you shouldn't
choose to be Gay.

Four "security" guards followed our tour group. They weren't very
muscular or athletic looking, but they were wearing orange "safety"
vests and carrying those big cop flashlights. I'm not sure if every
group got 4 guards, or if our group got them because two guys in their
mid-30s were in it.

Respectfully submitted,
Douglas Niedermeyer, Sargent-at-Arms