psychoceramics: Church Guidelines

[Bruce Ediger <bediger @ csn.net>]

I can't let Andrew Bulhak's fundamentalist raving I mean rating system
go unanswered.  Here's a contribution from The Dark Side.  I am on the
US Postal mailing list of an odd group.  They have always had the US
Postal address of:

PO Box 433
Norwalk,  CA 90651-0433

but in the years I've gotten their leaflets, they've been the "Christian
Brothers", the "Christian Anti-Defamation League", and "Cornerstone Ministries".
They appear to be loosely affiliated with other Preachin' Fools like
George E. "Brother Jed" Smock, and Reverend Fred Phelps, anti-gay
crusader and knucklehead from Topeka, Kansas.

These guys, going by names like "bobby BIBLE", "Gene, Gene the Preaching
Machine", and "Brother Dale, 1st class eunuch", used to put out a 'zine
called "VIP: VIrgin Pride".  Now they put out "Eyes to See, Ears to Hear".
The following appeared in "VIP: VIrgin Pride" #18.  "VIP" was apparently
mostly produced on an IBM selectric, for which they had 3 font balls.
I'm representing italics with bracketing underscores, so the cheesy effect
of the bad typography is a bit lessened.


============
VIRGIN PRIDE GUIDELINES FOR FINDING A GOOD CHURCH

INSTRUCTIONS: take this score card to any church and tally the points
accordingly.

1.  if the MINISTER wears SACERDOTAL ROBES, BACKWARDS COLLARS, etc. _subtract_
    _5_points_.  if he wears a suit and tie, _0_points_.  if he wears cowboy
    boots and western shirts, _add_2_points_.  if the minister or church
    members wears "JESUS SAVES" T-SHIRTS, _add_20_points_.  (Deut. 6:4-9)
    woman minister: _minus_50_pts.

2.  if the minister at any time speaks a LANGUAGE you do not understand,
    _subtract_10_points_. (1 Cor. 14)

3.  if the church uses non-KING JAMES BIBLES, _subtract_10_points_.  if the
    church uses only the KING JAMES BIBLE, _add_10_points_.  if the church
    teaches all non-KING JAMES BIBLES are of the devil, _add_20_points_.

4.  if the minister is IN JAIL for BLOCKING A NUCLEAR TEST SITE, _subtract_
    _20_points_.  if the minister is in jail for demonstrating at an ABORTION
    CLINIC, _add_10_points_.  (Jer 1:5; Gal 1:15)

5.  if the minister never preaches on HELL, _subtract_20_points_.  if he
    preaches on HELL, _add_10_points_, plus 1 point each for each mention of
    HELLFIRE (Luke 16)

6.  if the church urges BOYCOTTS of CARL'S JR. or DOMINO'S PIZZA, _subtract_
    _20_points_.  if they urge BOYCOTTS of TARGET or K-MART, _add_10_points_.

7.  if the church has a hospice service for AIDS patients, _subtract_10_points.
    if the church PICKETS GAY PRIDE PARADES, _add_20_points_.  (Prov 28:4)

8.  if the church BOOKSTORE sells books on SELF HELP, POSITIVE THINKING, etc.,
    _subtract_5_points_.  if they sell books on SOUL WINNNING & EVANGELISM,
    _add_10_points_.  if they sell CHICK TRACTS, _add_15_points_.

9.  if the church never sings songs about the BLOOD OF JESUS, _subtract_20_
    _points_.  if the church gives ALTAR CALLS after sermons, _add_10_points_.

10. if the sermons give you feelings of encouragement, self-worth, etc.,
    _subtract_5_points_.  if they make you feel guilty, unworthy in need of
    REPENTANCE, _add_10_points_.  (Luke 13:5,5; Acts 17:30)

11. if the church is active in SOCIAL PROGRAMS in the community, _subtract_
    _2_points.  if they practice DOOR-TO-DOOR EVANGELISM, passing out
    TRACTS, _add_10_points_.  if they train single men to PREACH IN THE
    STREETS, _add_50_points_.

also:  add points for "TURN OR BURN" bumper stickers, loud "AMENS"....
============

Current contact info:

PO Box 433
Norwalk,  CA 90651-0433

Write and ask for "Eyes to See, Ears to Hear", or literature with titles
like: "WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT STAYING SINGLE", "HARE KRISHNA: KILLER
CULT!", "PAGAN HISTORY OF NECKTIES", "EVIL-LUTIONISTS' MANUAL OF DIRTY
TRICKS", "THE OLDEST MANUSCRIPTS SUPPORT THE KING JAMES BIBLE".

Phone: 1 800 LUKE 8:16  (???)

Radio:
   Radio program Saturdays 10:45am on station KFSG, 96.3, Southern California,
   Saturdays 9am on KHIS 96.5, Bakersfield.